I have learned over the past few months that there will always be people who say they do care but they actually don’t. And when you do try to keep your distance, they will guilt-trip you into thinking that you are the problem and not them and that you are at fault and have hurt them tremendously.
You know the saying , “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”? Bullshit.
I have friends. A LOT. But there is only a few that I talk to and tell everything to. Life is funny that way. Sometimes, you want to be dependent on a person with your feelings in hopes that your emotions get acknowledged and that in return makes you feel valid and important. But the thing is, there are quite a few who do care about you the way you genuinely care about them. It’s just life. Nothing odd there. That’s just how it is.
I guess I only have two or three people I talked to about my issues. And only two specifically that I talked to about EVERYSINGLETHING. I guess it all boils down to the people who really want to be there when they say they would. I also believe that in times of need is when you do recognized who your friends are. Who really wants to be there for you and cry with you or at least, help you gather your thoughts properly.
It’s not easy you know, having friends and hoping they would understand you the way you want to be understood. We all have expectations and of course that expectations set a bar to how we want our friendship to be like. We are all selfish in our own way but I try not to. It’s a process.
I am friends with someone who suffers from BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite the circumstances, she has never failed to be there for me. And that’s the thing you know. You can be as healthy as you are mentally and physically but you can’t be a good person if you choose not to be. You can be mentally ill but still be the best person and friend you can be to someone else. Life is an option like that my friend.
I don’t believe in Karma. I do not believe in what goes around comes around. But what I do believe in is Allah will always answer my prayers and that we are all the same. We are all human who are bound to experience the same things under different scenarios and circumstances.
I’ve cried for help. I’ve cried hoping that someone could just hold my hand (not literally because I have intimacy issues) and say ‘Girl, it’s going to be okay’. And over the past few months, I could only talk to a few. I even surprised myself because some of these people are strangers yet we shared the most intimate secrets.
People can say I am not trustworthy and judged me to be a gossipmonger. Some people also thought that I talk too much. You know, being the same like everyone else is boring. Snoozefest at its best. Why would you want me to be the same like the others? Is it because my personality intimadates you or you just thought so highly of yourself? But then again, why would you think of me that way? Is it because I want to share things with you that led you to think that I am a gossipmonger? If that is the case, then you are just the same because I am pretty sure you tell your other friends and share with them things too. Ha!
I don’t know man. People can be so weird sometimes. They ask if I do have things in mind and when I do tell them, they started to be weird and suddenly thought ‘Shit, shouldn’t have asked her’ but when the tables are turned, IT’S THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD! IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!
I am not one to betray people. I am nice until you fucked it all up. Just saying.