Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I accidentally came across a picture of someone I used to know. Someone I used to be infatuated with. Someone I thought cared about me. As I was looking at his picture, I thought about the million things that him and I went through or perhaps, what I went through and he just came in the picture like a saviour. Or maybe not.
A few of my friends who knew about what happened said that I was just being stupid. That I was foolish enough to believe him and think that he was being true. A huge part of me actually believed or want to believe that they are right but a small voice in my head keeps saying that if things did not happen the way it did, my life would probably be slightly different from the way it is now.
Being infatuated is fun. I was smitten the whole time. I forgot about the real issue back then and carried on with life in hopes that I would feel better. Of course at the end of the day (infatuation phase ends), I felt like shit. LoL! But I had no regrets except maybe knowing him?
Years later or better yet minutes before this post, I saw his picture with his wife and his baby daughter. Precious little girl. And I kept thinking, ”Hmmm..this is interesting”. I was not jealous. There is nothing to be jealous about but this man in the picture was someone I knew. And that he continued with his life nonchalantly after breaking a lot of hearts including mine and never bothered for forgiveness. Yes, maybe it was just an infatuation but the matter of the heart will always be a matter of the heart. It probably meant nothing for him but it would be nice if I had closure. I just want to know what it was and what it meant for him. Not because I am miserable with my life. I just want to know if forgiving him would make me feel better inside and help me move on without wondering anymore what our whatever it was meant for him.
Not that it is a matter of life and death. But I want to know what was going on in his mind when it happened. He came from a good family. I knew him years before this whole infatuation thing happened. In his words, he said ‘it’s a long time coming’. And I believed in him. Now, I do not know if he meant what he said or just said it for the sake of saying it.
I probably sound like a bitter ex-girlfriend or an unhappy wife. Rest assure, I am neither one. I am content with my life now. I am happy with my husband and my children. But what bothered me now is this nagging feeling of wanting to know what it was back then and if he ever felt the need to seek for forgiveness not only to me but to all the other girls who have had their hearts broken.
Your probably have the urge to say ‘Oh god, get over it’. But you see, this isn’t about you. This isn’t about me either. The bigger picture here is the fact that how someone can go through life day by day knowing that he has made mistakes to a lot of people. Because probably to him, it was just like any other Tuesday when he breaks a heart. For someone, it’s probably the end of the world. I remember my conversation with him one night. He was driving and we were talking about the people in our circle and a name came up. A name who was so dear to me and someone who was incredibly infatuated with him. In his own words he said ” God, I owed her an apology. I have broken her heart and that I am responsible for that. She’s broken because of me”. I thought it was an epiphany – at least for him and of course, if I was not so infatuated back then..it could be a sign for me to walk away too.
You see girls, there will always be a guy who will make you feel good in all the right places. Who will say the things you want to hear and who will be there for you when you feel like you have no one. And these guys are sharks. Hunting vulnerable girls who are on the verge of giving up and using that vulnerability against them. Yes, it is nice to have options before deciding on who you want to get married to. I am not promoting cheating here. LOL! It is just that you want to be married to the right person. To the person who won’t make you feel good in all the right places every second but make you feel you are at home regardless if he makes you feel good or not. He will make you feel at home and puts you in your place. The guy who will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside and when he makes you feel smitten, it will mean the world for you.
And for this person I am talking about here, you may or may not get this….just know this, I forgive you even if you think you have done nothing wrong to me. Know that you have broke my heart and for every single second that have come across as an opportunity to be used against me, I forgive you. Allah probably blessed you with a daughter for a reason. And Allah maybe has blessed me with boys for a reason. So your daughter won’t end up making the same mistakes that all those girls have made and for my boys to not end up as heartless as you. I am happy now and Alhamdulillah, all those prayers while we were in that whatever phase you want to call it have been answered. I am happy with the decisions I have made. I love my husband and I couldn’t ask for someone more accepting of me than him. You’d probably think what is so special about him but that is only for me to know. I forgive you for all the things you have done unto me.
Let’s forgive all the people who have done stupid things to us and most importantly, forgive ourselves for allowing them to take advantage and forgive our own stupidity and hasty stupid decision making. I am someone who forgives but never forgets. Maybe when I have dementia or Alzheimers but for now, I will always remember the good and the bad.
Of course, there will always be the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if your journey seems endless, always remember that Allah will always give you the best things in life. 🙂