Okay, so why are we friends again?

I have learned over the past few months that there will always be people who say they do care but they actually don’t. And when you do try to keep your distance, they will guilt-trip you into thinking that you are the problem and not them and that you are at fault and have hurt them tremendously.

You know the saying , “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”? Bullshit.

I have friends. A LOT. But there is only a few that I talk to and tell everything to. Life is funny that way. Sometimes, you want to be dependent on a person with your feelings in hopes that your emotions get acknowledged and that in return makes you feel valid and important. But the thing is, there are quite a few who do care about you the way you genuinely care about them. It’s just life. Nothing odd there. That’s just how it is.

I guess I only have two or three people I talked to about my issues. And only two specifically that I talked to about EVERYSINGLETHING. I guess it all boils down to the people who really want to be there when they say they would. I also believe that in times of need is when you do recognized who your friends are. Who really wants to be there for you and cry with you or at least, help you gather your thoughts properly.

It’s not easy you know, having friends and hoping they would understand you the way you want to be understood. We all have expectations and of course that expectations set a bar to how we want our friendship to be like. We are all selfish in our own way but I try not to. It’s a process.

I am friends with someone who suffers from BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite the circumstances, she has never failed to be there for me. And that’s the thing you know. You can be as healthy as you are mentally and physically but you can’t be a good person if you choose not to be. You can be mentally ill but still be the best person and friend you can be to someone else. Life is an option like that my friend.

I don’t believe in Karma. I do not believe in what goes around comes around. But what I do believe in is Allah will always answer my prayers and that we are all the same. We are all human who are bound to experience the same things under different scenarios and circumstances.

I’ve cried for help. I’ve cried hoping that someone could just hold my hand (not literally because I have intimacy issues) and say ‘Girl, it’s going to be okay’. And over the past few months, I could only talk to a few. I even surprised myself because some of these people are strangers yet we shared the most intimate secrets.

People can say I am not trustworthy and judged me to be a gossipmonger. Some people also thought that I talk too much. You know, being the same like everyone else is boring. Snoozefest at its best. Why would you want me to be the same like the others? Is it because my personality intimadates you or you just thought so highly of yourself? But then again, why would you think of me that way? Is it because I want to share things with you that led you to think that I am a gossipmonger? If that is the case, then you are just the same because I am pretty sure you tell your other friends and share with them things too. Ha!

I don’t know man. People can be so weird sometimes. They ask if I do have things in mind and when I do tell them, they started to be weird and suddenly thought ‘Shit, shouldn’t have asked her’ but when the tables are turned, IT’S THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD! IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!

I am not one to betray people. I am nice until you fucked it all up. Just saying.

 

 

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Marriage?

Depressing post ahead. Proceed with caution.

Marriage is not simply being wedded to the man or woman you are presently in love with. Well, at least that is always the concept that all of us have been brainwashed to believe.

I am guilty of thinking and hoping that marriage will be like one of those Disney movies where happily ever after will happen eventually and everyone is happy and merry. It took me a long time to understand and accept that a marriage is more than just being accepting of one another or loving each other through thick and thin. Because vows, there are simply words said during a happy moment. But how valid are vows and promises made before the wedding? How far does “i will love you and take care of you for the rest of my life” go?

This post may sound so bitter but I am trying to make you understand that marriage isn’t just about waking up to the person you are in love with. It is more than just the couples’ pictures you reposted and reshared on Instagram. It is more than that. Marriage is work. Marriage requires work and a whole lot more that you will eventually learn when you are married.

Don’t be scared to get married though. Failed marriages don’t mean yours will fail too. But successful marriages will not guarantee you a successful one too. Everyone’s marriages is different. We all have our own obstacles and our own highs and lows.

Being together with someone for so many years doesn’t mean that you know him/her well already. What you see is just the exterior or what he/she has conditioned themselves for their partners to see. Because let’s face it, courting equals putting on your best attitude and ensure your other half is happy all the time.

It sounds simple but try doing that 24 hours  a day and 7 days a week. Would you not be tired? Putting on a front? Eventually, everyone who got married will begin to show their true colours and that is when the real deal happens. That’s when shit is down 😂

Marriage isn’t easy. If you think marriage is like those Disney marriages, you are wrong. Well perhaps if you are lucky and end up with a real life Prince Charming. Otherwise, you need to stop dreaming. A dream is a wish your heart makes but sometimes, a wish is simply a wish sister. Can’t do nothing about that. Sorry to break your happy bubble. ☺️

You reap what you sow

I was born and raised in an environment that appreciates effort. I was taught and told that when you want something, you need to earn it. Gifts, in my life, were mostly rewards of good examination results or achievements in school. My grandfather, aside from my parents and my grandmother, was and still is one who believes in the power of education and the change that it can make.

I am a teacher. An educator. That means I am primarily a front liner. I see how education evolves and how it builds charisma, confidence and self-esteem in others. I also see how the lack of it shattered hopes and dreams and all the things that the world is ready to offer seem beyond reach.

I have been a teacher for almost 7 years now. I know that it hasn’t been that long but I believe that I have changed some, if not all, of my students’ lives and have somewhat hoped that I have inspired them to be better. It gets harder now. The modern generation of youths are harder to talk to. They are reserved yet open. They are tech savvy yet so primitive. They are so modern yet so backwards.

For 7 years, I have tried to shape lives. I have tried the best I could to make sure that they walk out from my classroom door thinking that they can change the world and break the walls that are holding them back from becoming the best version of who they are. I am sure that throughout the 7 years of my teaching career, I have some students who have changed for the better and they have made it known to me that I am one of the people who have inspired them to change and that, is a gift that I won’t ever trade for anything else.

However, I begin to see the destruction of morality and value. Good attributes begin to fade and youths cherish profanities, vulgarities and rudeness and say that they are the new generation who are open to change and brave enough to have a stand.

No, my child. That is not how it is done.

Vulgarities are not sexy. Profanities do not reflect literature intelligence. Rudeness does not mean that you are intimidating and brave. Those are just reflections of how uncivilized you are. The material ‘gifts’ that you forced your parents to get you may seem like a loving gesture from their part but do you think it is worth it?

This is what is wrong in the world today. Parents who are enablers. Parents who agreed to give gifts for all the wrong reasons. Fail in school, here’s a gift to make you feel better. Got punished and detained in the discipline unit, here’s a gift to fix that angst. Didn’t do homework because you are just not up for it, here’s a game console to release your stress. Too lazy to wake up for school, come let’s go out and have breakfast with mummy then.

And the result,

Kids who are out of control, who throw tantrums even when they are not even toddlers anymore. Kids who are way too young to sit in Starbucks without a chaperon. Kids who are incredibly too naive to have boyfriends or girlfriends but parents say it’s okay for young love will wilt eventually not knowing the consequence of naive decisions.

Stop it dear parents. Your kids are not your friends. They are your children. They are the results of your parenting skills or the lack thereof. You are destroying their lives. You are the reason why they are rebellious, defensive, rude and disrespectful.

It is because you give them gifts or rewards on things that needed punishment.

Think.

Just think about it.

Memories

I stood in the middle of my kitchen today and looked around. I looked at the lime green walls of my dining room and the yellow walls of my kitchen. I realised that this is my house. My home. A place where my children will grow up. A place where memories will be made for my little family. And then a thought hit me. My mum is not here to witness all these. She’s no longer around to see how much I have grown. She’s no longer here to see how much I have accomplished. She would have loved my kitchen. She would have loved the yellow walls. She would have loved everything.

I was raised in a household that cherishes memories. My mother was someone who puts pictures in albums, labelled them and stacked them according to the year of when the pictures were taken. Everything was so organised and we used to tease her about it. Now, years after she’s gone..those pictures which were once taken in vain finally meant something. Our vacations with her, our birthday celebrations with her, my parents’ anniversaries, school events and milestones. Every picture in those albums represents of what used to be.

The thing about memories is they sometimes bring you back to a happier time. It transports you ‘telepathically’ to a time and place where everything was in place. Safe and sound. Sometimes I caught myself smiling when a memory of my mother and I came into mind. Sometimes they made me cry. Sometimes they made me stronger.

Those memories now are not just mere memories. They represent my mother’s strength, perseverance, wit, wisdom and spirit. A strong woman she was, my mother. Sometimes, I went back to a time when she held my hand as we crossed the street and how safe it made me feel. Sometimes, I traveled back in time to the day she told me to always pray for her. That day was July 25th 2013. She was about to be wheeled in to the operating theater. That was the last time I kissed her, I held her when she was conscious. The days after were painful.

Sometimes I go back to the day I fought with her and wished I could have done things differently. Sometimes I just played videos of her bathing my son when he was just a baby just to hear her call my name. 🙂

You know, sometimes you think you know a person well. You quickly judge them based on what you see on the outside, judged them based on how they carry themselves and the way they talk and socialised. But there are things about a person that we don’t really know. The pain that they are hiding. The smile that meant ‘life goes on’. The laughter that hides the tears. The humor that conceals the sadness.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has memories where they will go back to and wish they could stay there forever.

I know.

Because I sometimes wish I am at that road again,about to cross it and my mother was holding my hand.

You just have no idea.

 

Come, judge me.

When you repressed your feelings, you constantly find yourself secretly rummaging through your box of thoughts and hoping that somehow those issues are addressed one way or the other, sooner or later. I am someone who used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it was tough living my life that way because I didn’t get anything else back in return aside from poor judgements from those around me.

Then again, these bottled up issues begin to build up like a bad chemistry reaction and the next thing you know..they will be all over the place wanting you to have a look at them and say ”hey, it’s going to be okay!”

A lot has been happening lately. It’s only April for god’s sake. Way to go 2016. :/

I wish people could just stop picking words from my mouth and creating a story out of nothing. I wish people could just stop thinking that I am somewhat capable of betraying the people I care about most. I wish people could just learn to shut their mouths whenever that is possible. I wish people could just learn to accept and treasure the relationship that I am offering with an open mind.

I wish people could just stop assuming the worst out of me.

I have trust issues. I have always have trust issues. The worst that someone can do to me is break that trust and wishing that I could still be the same person to them. I don’t have that many friends growing up because I was bullied and mocked. I didn’t have a lot of friends to talk to about my innermost thoughts because whenever I do, they would think that they were ridiculous and crazy.

I miss my mother. I miss how I could just blurt things out to her without having her judging me.

God.

I really don’t know what to say.

Seriously overwhelmed.

Pregnant mind

In a month from now, Mom would have turned 59 years old if she is still around. I have been missing her a lot these past few weeks. My thoughts and my feelings are so heavy that I wish I could talk to her, pick up a phone and call her wherever she is now. She would have known what to say and do. She would have told me to just continue with life and ignore whatever that is bothering me because it’s not worth it.

I miss you Mama. Wherever you are, I hope Allah is keeping your soul safe and happy.

There are things that I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it but Mom. It’s not like they would understand or even give me the attention I desperately need. Some people are just there for the sake of being present without genuinely wanting to be in the moment. Some people are just there to judge and then ‘discuss’ about it with someone else. Some people just assume ‘Oh she always have issues with everything and everyone”. Some people are just insincere in all those forms.

I am not saying that I can’t talk about it with my husband. I could but I just chose not to because I don’t want to burden him with my issues and at the same time feeling obligated to make sure that I am doing well. He already has enough on his plate.

There are so many things I can’t understand now. Things I don’t wish to be bothered by but can’t because I am not someone who easily shuts out things. I just don’t understand so many things. I almost feel like I can’t even blog about it too because I am opening myself to more judgements and assumptions.

If i am a therapist, I would be a millionaire by now

The amount of negativity I have been receiving and have to deal with since January is absurd. And it is only March! Aiyayai! Just so you know, I am not someone who easily copes with negativity. I am like a sponge. I absorb negativity and let it seep through my so not thick skin and then let it get to me. It’s ridiculous! People seriously need to stop doing that to me.

First and foremost, I am always told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. And that is correct, a 100%! But the thing is, I am designed that way. It’s not something that I can switch out off. It’s just who I am. I am not the I don’t give a fuck kind of person. I care too much, I worry too much, I feel too much. At the end of the day, it gets to me and I become spiteful and bitter and crazy.

I guess there are times when it does brutally get to me. I remember a time just a few weeks back when I become depressed and sad. The first thing I did waking up was cry. I cried in the shower, I cried while I eat, I cried when I was driving.. I was crying literally everywhere. It was stupid but like I said, it is not something that I can switch out off. It’s just who I am. It makes me, ME.I am praying hard for a better March. A good April. Pretty much a good year from here on in. It hasn’t been the easiest but I have been trying hard. I am not claiming to be the saddest person here on Earth but it has just been a rough few months. What I do need is toxic people block app. You know the kind of people who randomly texted you in the middle of the night being so bitter about their life and then send you an audio of them crying. Exhausting man. You negative people need to go see a therapist. Or maybe I should consider charging by the hour for every single time people come to me and rant about how sad and depressing their life is. LOL!