You reap what you sow

I was born and raised in an environment that appreciates effort. I was taught and told that when you want something, you need to earn it. Gifts, in my life, were mostly rewards of good examination results or achievements in school. My grandfather, aside from my parents and my grandmother, was and still is one who believes in the power of education and the change that it can make.

I am a teacher. An educator. That means I am primarily a front liner. I see how education evolves and how it builds charisma, confidence and self-esteem in others. I also see how the lack of it shattered hopes and dreams and all the things that the world is ready to offer seem beyond reach.

I have been a teacher for almost 7 years now. I know that it hasn’t been that long but I believe that I have changed some, if not all, of my students’ lives and have somewhat hoped that I have inspired them to be better. It gets harder now. The modern generation of youths are harder to talk to. They are reserved yet open. They are tech savvy yet so primitive. They are so modern yet so backwards.

For 7 years, I have tried to shape lives. I have tried the best I could to make sure that they walk out from my classroom door thinking that they can change the world and break the walls that are holding them back from becoming the best version of who they are. I am sure that throughout the 7 years of my teaching career, I have some students who have changed for the better and they have made it known to me that I am one of the people who have inspired them to change and that, is a gift that I won’t ever trade for anything else.

However, I begin to see the destruction of morality and value. Good attributes begin to fade and youths cherish profanities, vulgarities and rudeness and say that they are the new generation who are open to change and brave enough to have a stand.

No, my child. That is not how it is done.

Vulgarities are not sexy. Profanities do not reflect literature intelligence. Rudeness does not mean that you are intimidating and brave. Those are just reflections of how uncivilized you are. The material ‘gifts’ that you forced your parents to get you may seem like a loving gesture from their part but do you think it is worth it?

This is what is wrong in the world today. Parents who are enablers. Parents who agreed to give gifts for all the wrong reasons. Fail in school, here’s a gift to make you feel better. Got punished and detained in the discipline unit, here’s a gift to fix that angst. Didn’t do homework because you are just not up for it, here’s a game console to release your stress. Too lazy to wake up for school, come let’s go out and have breakfast with mummy then.

And the result,

Kids who are out of control, who throw tantrums even when they are not even toddlers anymore. Kids who are way too young to sit in Starbucks without a chaperon. Kids who are incredibly too naive to have boyfriends or girlfriends but parents say it’s okay for young love will wilt eventually not knowing the consequence of naive decisions.

Stop it dear parents. Your kids are not your friends. They are your children. They are the results of your parenting skills or the lack thereof. You are destroying their lives. You are the reason why they are rebellious, defensive, rude and disrespectful.

It is because you give them gifts or rewards on things that needed punishment.

Think.

Just think about it.

Memories

I stood in the middle of my kitchen today and looked around. I looked at the lime green walls of my dining room and the yellow walls of my kitchen. I realised that this is my house. My home. A place where my children will grow up. A place where memories will be made for my little family. And then a thought hit me. My mum is not here to witness all these. She’s no longer around to see how much I have grown. She’s no longer here to see how much I have accomplished. She would have loved my kitchen. She would have loved the yellow walls. She would have loved everything.

I was raised in a household that cherishes memories. My mother was someone who puts pictures in albums, labelled them and stacked them according to the year of when the pictures were taken. Everything was so organised and we used to tease her about it. Now, years after she’s gone..those pictures which were once taken in vain finally meant something. Our vacations with her, our birthday celebrations with her, my parents’ anniversaries, school events and milestones. Every picture in those albums represents of what used to be.

The thing about memories is they sometimes bring you back to a happier time. It transports you ‘telepathically’ to a time and place where everything was in place. Safe and sound. Sometimes I caught myself smiling when a memory of my mother and I came into mind. Sometimes they made me cry. Sometimes they made me stronger.

Those memories now are not just mere memories. They represent my mother’s strength, perseverance, wit, wisdom and spirit. A strong woman she was, my mother. Sometimes, I went back to a time when she held my hand as we crossed the street and how safe it made me feel. Sometimes, I traveled back in time to the day she told me to always pray for her. That day was July 25th 2013. She was about to be wheeled in to the operating theater. That was the last time I kissed her, I held her when she was conscious. The days after were painful.

Sometimes I go back to the day I fought with her and wished I could have done things differently. Sometimes I just played videos of her bathing my son when he was just a baby just to hear her call my name. 🙂

You know, sometimes you think you know a person well. You quickly judge them based on what you see on the outside, judged them based on how they carry themselves and the way they talk and socialised. But there are things about a person that we don’t really know. The pain that they are hiding. The smile that meant ‘life goes on’. The laughter that hides the tears. The humor that conceals the sadness.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has memories where they will go back to and wish they could stay there forever.

I know.

Because I sometimes wish I am at that road again,about to cross it and my mother was holding my hand.

You just have no idea.

 

Come, judge me.

When you repressed your feelings, you constantly find yourself secretly rummaging through your box of thoughts and hoping that somehow those issues are addressed one way or the other, sooner or later. I am someone who used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it was tough living my life that way because I didn’t get anything else back in return aside from poor judgements from those around me.

Then again, these bottled up issues begin to build up like a bad chemistry reaction and the next thing you know..they will be all over the place wanting you to have a look at them and say ”hey, it’s going to be okay!”

A lot has been happening lately. It’s only April for god’s sake. Way to go 2016. :/

I wish people could just stop picking words from my mouth and creating a story out of nothing. I wish people could just stop thinking that I am somewhat capable of betraying the people I care about most. I wish people could just learn to shut their mouths whenever that is possible. I wish people could just learn to accept and treasure the relationship that I am offering with an open mind.

I wish people could just stop assuming the worst out of me.

I have trust issues. I have always have trust issues. The worst that someone can do to me is break that trust and wishing that I could still be the same person to them. I don’t have that many friends growing up because I was bullied and mocked. I didn’t have a lot of friends to talk to about my innermost thoughts because whenever I do, they would think that they were ridiculous and crazy.

I miss my mother. I miss how I could just blurt things out to her without having her judging me.

God.

I really don’t know what to say.

Seriously overwhelmed.

Pregnant mind

In a month from now, Mom would have turned 59 years old if she is still around. I have been missing her a lot these past few weeks. My thoughts and my feelings are so heavy that I wish I could talk to her, pick up a phone and call her wherever she is now. She would have known what to say and do. She would have told me to just continue with life and ignore whatever that is bothering me because it’s not worth it.

I miss you Mama. Wherever you are, I hope Allah is keeping your soul safe and happy.

There are things that I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it but Mom. It’s not like they would understand or even give me the attention I desperately need. Some people are just there for the sake of being present without genuinely wanting to be in the moment. Some people are just there to judge and then ‘discuss’ about it with someone else. Some people just assume ‘Oh she always have issues with everything and everyone”. Some people are just insincere in all those forms.

I am not saying that I can’t talk about it with my husband. I could but I just chose not to because I don’t want to burden him with my issues and at the same time feeling obligated to make sure that I am doing well. He already has enough on his plate.

There are so many things I can’t understand now. Things I don’t wish to be bothered by but can’t because I am not someone who easily shuts out things. I just don’t understand so many things. I almost feel like I can’t even blog about it too because I am opening myself to more judgements and assumptions.

If i am a therapist, I would be a millionaire by now

The amount of negativity I have been receiving and have to deal with since January is absurd. And it is only March! Aiyayai! Just so you know, I am not someone who easily copes with negativity. I am like a sponge. I absorb negativity and let it seep through my so not thick skin and then let it get to me. It’s ridiculous! People seriously need to stop doing that to me.

First and foremost, I am always told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. And that is correct, a 100%! But the thing is, I am designed that way. It’s not something that I can switch out off. It’s just who I am. I am not the I don’t give a fuck kind of person. I care too much, I worry too much, I feel too much. At the end of the day, it gets to me and I become spiteful and bitter and crazy.

I guess there are times when it does brutally get to me. I remember a time just a few weeks back when I become depressed and sad. The first thing I did waking up was cry. I cried in the shower, I cried while I eat, I cried when I was driving.. I was crying literally everywhere. It was stupid but like I said, it is not something that I can switch out off. It’s just who I am. It makes me, ME.I am praying hard for a better March. A good April. Pretty much a good year from here on in. It hasn’t been the easiest but I have been trying hard. I am not claiming to be the saddest person here on Earth but it has just been a rough few months. What I do need is toxic people block app. You know the kind of people who randomly texted you in the middle of the night being so bitter about their life and then send you an audio of them crying. Exhausting man. You negative people need to go see a therapist. Or maybe I should consider charging by the hour for every single time people come to me and rant about how sad and depressing their life is. LOL!

I don’t have a mother.

I guess it is quite a morbid thought if we ever do think about how it’s like or how it would be like to live without a Mom. I used to think about it back in the days and how I would ever survive not having one. Will I ever learn to move on and continue living? All these thoughts just continuously played in my head.

Until she passed away.

The day after she passed away, I went to the kitchen and thought about preparing meals for Iftar (because my mother passed away during Ramadhan). I remember being clueless and not knowing what to cook. Even when I finally had an idea on what to prepare, I didn’t know how to cook it. I asked my aunties who were around at the time and one of them without mercy said ‘Oh My Goodness!! That meal is easy! Don’t you know how to make it? Even I knew how to make it when I was 12’. My other aunt was sweet about it and told me the right condiments to use and ways of cooking it.

At that moment, I realised how much I sought out after my mom. My mom would have flipped at her and told her to mind her own business. I am not spoilt. In my defense, my mom never let us stayed in the kitchen while she was preparing meals because she thought that we were distracting. LOL! So because of that, I have never properly learned how to cook proper meals until she passed away. It was unapologetic, my aunt I mean. Her gesture was condescending and humiliating. I was in mourning and all that she could think about was how she knew how to cook proper meals by 12 and how great she is.

From then on, I realised changes after changes but one thing remains clear. There is no longer a mother for me who will stand by me whenever I need her to be. There is no longer a mother for me who will say ”Fuck off” on my behalf. There is no longer a mother for me who will listen to all my worries and thoughts. But there will always be people who will constantly think that they own my thoughts, my decisions and my space just because my mother isn’t around anymore. That’s for sure.

So how does it feel like to live without a mom?

I would say that it’s hard. Difficult to be honest. Not a day goes by that I wished she is still around. There will always be people who will try to get the best of you and who will bully you because they are aware of your mother’s absence. There will always be people who will be sweet about it and help you to continue on with life. There will always be people who think that it is okay to hurt your feelings because your mother isn’t there anymore to stand for you. There will always be people who will think that losing a mother is nothing because they haven’t felt for themselves how it is like to live without a mother. There will always be people who will constantly scrutinize your decisions and actions because your mother isn’t there to defend you. There will always be people who will continuously and religiously bug you with their life issues because your mother isn’t there anymore to listen to them. There will always be people who will help you stand up without even bringing the issue of a dead mother. There will also be people who will take advantage of your misery.

Once a person is dead, changes are always bound to occur. Good or bad, that’s a whole different thing. And I must say, it hasn’t been the easiest for me so far. But it has made me the person that I am today. I am still learning to stand on my own two feet and not searching for my mother’s shadow.

So how does it exactly feel to live without a mom?

It won’t kill you but it teaches you so many things in life that you will begin to appreciate every relationship you have and it will teach you that good and bad people do exist.

overwhelmed!

It has been a while since I blogged. Not that nothing interesting has not happened but there are just too much that has been going on and has happened that I don’t and am not sure where and how to begin.

I have been missing my mum a lot lately. Just the other night as I was on my way back to sleep after waking up to my baby’s cries for a night time feed, I suddenly thought about the day and the moment when my mum was about to be wheeled into the surgery theater. I remember kissing her and her last words to me were ”Doakan Mama (pray for Mama)”. Little did I know that that was her last wish from me and something that she would have wanted till the end of time. Nothing else but prayers to guide her on the other side. 😦

It has been crazy. Goodness! I don’t even know where to start. There were just so much miscommunication, so much of the he say she say, so many dramas, lies, issues and whatnot. It’s just overwhelming. I also find myself shutting down from the world for a few days recently. Waking up, crying in the shower and told my husband how depressed I was feeling. It is not a good feeling. I am not good with handling negative emotions and how to counter them with positive thoughts and imaginations. As bubbly as I can be, I succumb to negative dark thoughts like ants to sugar.

People can be toxic. It doesn’t matter who they are. They can be destructive to your emotions and they can bring you down in a matter of a split second just by a few paragraphs of words. What I have been noticing is the amount of f***s given about my life, my siblings’ and my father’s life and how we are living it and if how we live is conforming and up to par to someone’s standards and way of living.

I have also been blocking a few people off from my social media accounts and also phone contacts. It is tiring and it is such a drag having to deal with so much negativity. And the worst part is, I was clueless 99.9% of the time. I was only dragged into it because I was an easy target.

There are just so many things that are going on. I felt taken for granted, I felt betrayed, I felt cheated and lied upon…AND the list goes on. I told myself early this year that I will not give a f*** about anything, everything and anyone but then again, that’s just not me. How do people do it, I don’t know.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Sigh.

All I need is my mum. I miss having her to talk to and get emotional with. Somehow, she would know the right things to say.

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Sigh.